jynx_tsilevon | Afraid of Everything/"When did you start crying?"

For whatever reason, every time we go to visit Vee an Jay, the ride home is a lot of introspection that Owl draws out of me for the hour car ride in the dark.

Part of the reason, I have assumed, is because Vee and Jay are in a marriage that Owl and I assume is going to fall apart, and that every time we visit, I take on the tension that is so thick in the room, it's surprising no one suffocates. I'm picking up emotions of situations, people, and memories more often now. Emphatic nature, I guess.

Last night was no different, and it started the same way as usual. Owl asking "Are you alright?" I responded with "I'm fine." Our universal response of "I'm not okay, but I don't know what's wrong."

Everything broke from there, as usual. I admitted to fear of what happens after graduation. Or if I don't graduate. Or if I don't get a job. A lot of things in our plans hinge on me having some sort of income, but preferably income that is at a Good Engineering Job. I want to support Owl in his endeavors. I want to not be in debt. I want to help my friends who are in debt. And I want to start a clinic. Fucking Capitalism.

But I also admitted that I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I think I want to start a clinic. But I don't know if I'm a good engineer. I still SUCK at math and science. A lot of my "core" engineering courses are blazed onto my transcript with lovely D- grades, with a few lucky Cs scattered here and there. The courses that kept my GPA from being too bad, the ones with As, are all in English or "Soft" sciences, like Human Diseases and Disorders, Assistive Technology, or "The Human Side of Medicine" (Philosophy and ethics of Biomedical and Medical advancements).I'm scared 5 years of college and the flare up of two mental disorders won't be worth it.

I didn't admit, but I know he was aware of it, but I'm afraid of losing Owl.

I admitted to envying the stability (or appeared stability) of all the people we saw get married in the last 6 months (four weddings in total). Because I'm overall terrified of things I can't control, things that are uncertain or unstable. And society tells me marriages are stable, despite me coming from evidence that proves otherwise. (Owlfox even more so is evidence that marriages and engagements are just as unstable as dating.)

I want to be happy but I'm not sure how anymore. I feel like an outsider when talking to everyone, I cannot find happiness or intrinsic motivation anymore. I'm scared of the chatroom where all my friends are, because I am scared of bringing my problems to them and never contributing anything fun. I cannot find the motivation or imagination to write anymore. I want to make friends but I feel like I'm talking to people with a wall between us, and I can't find a door to get to them. Or a bell jar, to borrow Syliva Plath's analogy. I'd like out, please.

But then, I want to hang out with people, but the idea of going out and doing anything is so mentally taxing. And I can't find interest to go out. I'd rather be at home, under a blanket, holding my cat hostage with pets and belly scratches. I have friends, I think, but rarely get invited out anymore because they know I probably won't come (it was nice of them to continue to invite me for so long, though).

I envy people who create. Writing, cosplay, art. Anything.

What if I never end up good at anything? Is it alright if I'm one of those people who just generally has no skills or talent?

Owl listened to me ramble and put in thoughts where I paused or faltered. He reminded me that "people like us" have trouble finding happiness, or maintaining it. People like us, because Owl reminds me daily that both of us struggle with depressive characteristics. I like to pretend I'm fine, and try to help him. "People like us."

"People like us" also long for companionship but lack the fortitude, enthusiasm, or drive to seek it or maintain it. I'm not sure how to continue friendships and cannot bring myself to talk to people anymore (I'm scared of bothering them and I never know what to say). Owl has a problem of forgetting people exist if he doesn't see them regularly.

He shared his own fears, his own inadequacies, and tried to comfort me in reminding me that I will probably be average at at least one thing in my life. He reminded me that our relationship probably looks incredibly stable to other people, because of our level of communication and involvement in each other's lives. A stability that some people I referenced earlier probably need to learn from.

I told him that if I had nothing, if somehow everything I'd work towards evaporated tomorrow, I wouldn't know how to do anything. I wouldn't know where to go. Unlike my sister, I can't just go home. Mostly due to pride, as well as contention (whether real or imagined) with my family.

"Well, if you end up with nothing, we'll figure something out together," He stated.