Still a child
Jun. 5th, 2013 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
My sister skyped me today. Showed me bits and pieces of her cosplay, talked about wigs, talked about taking my 14+ year old puppy to the vet, talked about my mom.
It was good to see her. I'm glad she's in a happy phase right now.
My mom texted me today and showed me a picture of her wearing my sister's wig with this really happy look on her face.
They both miss me.
And I miss that.
I don't miss them, really. Not in the states either of them are in at this moment.
But I do miss making costumes with them. And preparing for cons. All the days I spent sprawled out on the grey carpet ripping out seams and pointing to pictures and explaining characters to the two of them. The adventures finding fabric and coats and the time I bought a really atrocious pink wig after hunting down wig sellers. Cleaning clock parts and making jewelry, trying to explain video game and anime plots.
I miss that.
I miss being the dress form, and getting poked with needles, and having to stand perfectly still for an hour because Sis and Mom had to make measurements and since I wasn't gifted with the seamstress ability, I was the model. It was the only thing I was good for.
I accidentally replaced myself by buying my mom a dress form last year.
Part of me wants to suck it up, go back home, lounge on the couch all day curled up with my puppy and a book. Bake a shit ton of sugary sweets, get glares from the Amish, scare everyone with my rampant pacing in the middle of the night.
But I know it wouldn't be the same. And I'm an idealist.
This fantasy world I imagine died four years ago. These good days, like today, come once in a rare while. If I went back, I'd walk on eggshells and have scars from biting my tongue. Or emotional scars from not, knowing me.
Part of me is envious. Seeing my sister in her clothes, the jeans she got, the dress she got. Look at this wig, look at this shirt. Mom and Dad II got it for me, we did this, we did that.
They rewarded her for coming home.
And deep down, I don't want any of that (or, frankly, need any of it either). But the envy is still there. After all, she doesn't get locked out of her own house (or break the key in the lock to her own house...that's another story though).
I am being childish. Probably because of my immaturity showing again last night, I keep questioning if I'll ever grow up and function well as an adult.
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Date: 2013-06-06 02:50 pm (UTC)And when you come from a dysfunctional household, when you've been away awhile, you start to think about the good times, and you really want them back--because how bad the bad times were kind of fades from your mind.
It's really hard to watch one sibling being given things you aren't, having opportunities you don't, and being "rewarded" for being the [insert adjective here] kid.
You didn't replace yourself with that dress form. You know very well that not only was modeling not your only talent, but it freed you up to interact with your mom and sister on different terms.
Of course you miss them. They're what you're used to. We get comfortable with the devils we know, because it's routine and it's secure (even if it's wildly insecure), and it's the life we built. The finished house is always "easier" to live in than the half-built one, because you can just fuss with drapes and arranging the chairs and stocking the pantry and not have to bust your ass with siding or finishing the attic and basement or knocking down and adding walls.
But the work is worth it, even if there's moments that the nostalgia part of you doesn't feel that way. Let it feel that way. What you're building now (even if your current place is not permanent--this isn't literal living arrangements, it's your heart), is very much your own, in a way your life would not be your own at the home you grew up in.
You did grow up, and you are functioning as an adult. You're living on your own, you're working two jobs, you're reading, you're minding an apartment, you're visiting with people.
Your sister hasn't. She doesn't get locked out of her own house or break the key off in the lock because she's not willing to try being an adult. It's too scary for her and it's too hard, and so she refuses to take chances.
You took chances. And you're not being "punished" for those chances. You're just in the middle of Shit Happens. Good shit, bad shit, mediocre shit. Fortune is a fickle dame and she rains down all kinds of things on us, some positive, some not.
When I was your age, I had already locked myself out of my apartment twice, and had lost the office door key at my internship, meaning they had to replace the entire lock and take it out of my pay. To date, I've probably spent over $200 on a locksmith.
Being a grown up doesn't mean you don't screw up, make mistakes, suffer the consequences of someone else's screw up, or face hardship. Hell no. You screw up a lot and you face a lot of consequences and hardship. But being a grown up means you take a step back, breathe, and form a strategy to make it through this one. You call people, you text people, you express your needs and work to get them met. That's it.
And while meeting those needs, you may be terrified. You may be panicked. Sometimes you feel absolutely wrecked by what's going on. That's okay, too. Some things, over time, the more they happen, the more they get used to them and you cease to feel that strongly. Other thing, well, they'll always feel that way, because they are just horrible scary things (and it's up to your brain and your emotions to decide that--not what someone else says).
Practice will help. Experience will help. That's why well-meaning people keep urging you to get out and do new things, or lots of things, because they know that experiences planned and intended to be good ones have a higher chance of success. Fun can fail, but it often doesn't if you're determined to have a good time.
Like this Friday, when you better be at my house baking sugary treats.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 03:16 pm (UTC)That being said, sorry to you and Cendri for the panicked phone calls/texts two nights ago.
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Date: 2013-06-06 03:58 pm (UTC)Hey, you panicked. It happens. Next time you'll be less apt to do that, because you'll have a memory of successfully getting into your apartment after being locked out.
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Date: 2013-06-06 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 07:27 pm (UTC)And all of them have a duty to help people for a living.
Just think of it as now you know how to jimmy a key out of a lock.
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Date: 2013-06-06 07:54 pm (UTC)I do, true
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Date: 2013-06-06 08:00 pm (UTC)Dude, this is B-town. If you're white, you have to be running through town naked screaming "Fuck the police!", with "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CUFF ME" painted across your chest to get arrested. And then, the paper would probably still paint you as a mistreated, sympathetic hero when the story came out.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 08:11 pm (UTC)Okay, I think we may need a lesson in how to ask for help.
Generally starting with your most extreme trump card of a solution is not the best way.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 08:26 pm (UTC)Well, that IS what they asked me to ask...
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Date: 2013-06-06 11:37 pm (UTC)Smiling apologetically and saying "Hi! I'm in one of the apartments right over there and... well, I've broken my key off in the lock and my landlord and locksmith are having a little trouble with it. We wondered if you had suggestions?"
Second apologetic smile, bam, done.
Really, though, when asking for advice or help, leaving the person you're asking a little leeway as to how they can help you generally gets you the best and ungrouchy results.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-07 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-07 03:23 am (UTC)1. No, firemen can't arrest you, and yes it's best to ask for help in a general way and let them figure it out. Sounding like you're about ready to break shit tends to raise eyebrows.
2. It's ok to text me, I'm sorry I was asleep when you needed more info. Huseyin would not let you be homeless for a night, he's a good landlord. I mean he came and let me in at 1 am when I lost my keys one time. And you didn't lose anything.
3. This is why we keep multiple copies of contact information in various places, so they can be accessible. But failing that you have SOME people you can contact for things.
You did fine. I had to break into my parents house a few times, one of which involved me cutting through a window screen and shimmying inside. At least in your case you didn't lock yourself out, the lock just fuggered up. At least you weren't in the middle of the country with no one to call and were kicking in a screen door with your feet because you suck at remembering keys.
Speaking of, please get a copy of the key and send it to me sometime before the end of the summer since it's a new lock. XD
no subject
Date: 2013-06-07 03:27 am (UTC)