jynx_tsilevon (
jynx_tsilevon) wrote2013-08-13 07:11 pm
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Entry tags:
The Melancholy
Trigger warnings for the usual
I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.
Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.
I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.
Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.
Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.
It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.
And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.
I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.
Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...
I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.
He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.
So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!
Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.
There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.
Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.
What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!
I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.
Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.
I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.
Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.
Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.
It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.
And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.
I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.
Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...
I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.
He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.
So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!
Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.
There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.
Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.
What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!
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Granted, I have no idea what form my life would have taken had I listened to that, but it sounds like what you've been doing in Btown has made you happy. Which your higher order "achieving" brain is probably arguing with you about.
Frankly, Engineering School is not very friendly to the different types of kids. Which is what made me so miserable and then made me realize I was much happier in Design and then now I'm ridiculously happy in school and home life.
Maybe you need to reassess why you are in school, and if you actually want it. If you don't, well, maybe you need a break. Maybe you need to work a simple job and figure shit out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I really sincerely wish I had given myself permission to do that, I would have saved about two years of floundering and a lot of angst doing that. Cause it's not failure to quit something you hate, it's only failure to keep doing something you hate.
I hope the angst of moving is ok, and if you need anything else, lemme know.
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Like, it's ok to stumble a bit. There's a lot of shadow monsters in our psyche. But you are confronting them, and that is really really good.