The Melancholy
Aug. 13th, 2013 07:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jynx_tsilevonTrigger warnings for the usual
I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.
Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.
I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.
Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.
Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.
It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.
And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.
I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.
Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...
I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.
He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.
So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!
Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.
There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.
Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.
What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!
I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.
Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.
I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.
Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.
Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.
It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.
And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.
I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.
Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...
I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.
He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.
So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!
Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.
There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.
Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.
What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!
no subject
Date: 2013-08-15 01:39 pm (UTC)