The Melancholy

[jynx_tsilevon]

Trigger warnings for the usual


I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.

Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.

I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.

Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.

Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.

It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.

And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.

I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.

Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...

I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.

He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.

So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!

Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.

There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.

Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.

What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!

Comments

[crankyoldman]

This kind of sounds like how I was after Sophomore year, when I didn't want to go back to school. Essentially, that was the first indication that I didn't want to be an engineer and considering what makes me happy now? I should have listened to that.

Granted, I have no idea what form my life would have taken had I listened to that, but it sounds like what you've been doing in Btown has made you happy. Which your higher order "achieving" brain is probably arguing with you about.

Frankly, Engineering School is not very friendly to the different types of kids. Which is what made me so miserable and then made me realize I was much happier in Design and then now I'm ridiculously happy in school and home life.

Maybe you need to reassess why you are in school, and if you actually want it. If you don't, well, maybe you need a break. Maybe you need to work a simple job and figure shit out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I really sincerely wish I had given myself permission to do that, I would have saved about two years of floundering and a lot of angst doing that. Cause it's not failure to quit something you hate, it's only failure to keep doing something you hate.

I hope the angst of moving is ok, and if you need anything else, lemme know.

[jynx_tsilevon]

I do want to go back to school. I think. I mean, I love school, and the people there, and stuff...

And living in Btown has been great! But I don't make enough to pay rent (ha) and frankly have been getting really bored with myself (then again, I still don't DO anything).

I think I just don't want to go back to school because for the first time in a long time, I have succeeded at something. It's minor, it doesn't pay well, it involves cleaning bathrooms, my feet always hurt and I smell like Americanized-Chinese food. But like...my existence makes other people happy, for the four to six hours I work with them.

Sometimes I just think I'm more people oriented than most engineers. Not saying they're not, it's just...I don't know. My textbooks always talked about pleasing the "end user," but the whole process of doing it was so cold and hands off that it bothered me. I didn't care that the "company" was fake, I wanted to know how our choices affected them and what I could do to change the negative consequences to positive ones.

I know I don't get along with people well, but I always want to do what's best and make lives better. I have these crazy stupid pipe dreams about nonforprofits and prosthetic rehabilitation and helping people walk/see/hear/move their arm, whatever it is.

But frankly, I'm not mechanically inclined, have no design experience, no technical experience, suck at math, can't do 3D visualization worth shit, and I'm constantly stressed about getting internships and jobs and THE FUTURE that I get so stressed before School even starts!

I think my problem is that none of it feels like it'll ever be anything.

And being in this constant state of I don't have anything certain at all is complete madness.

I don't know what makes me happy. I used to say Writing, but that's not it anymore.

When I answer that "If you had enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life, what would you be doing with your time?" question, all I ever answer is "help people."
...
well...
"Help people and have a horde of animals."

Don't worry about moving. I'm just anxious about driving a uhaul but after that, I should be fine.

[novel_machinist]

There are thousands of ways to help people. Working for nonprofits, volunteering at shelters, teaching, just to name a few. Your path can branch any of those ways. College is a great place to figure it out.

In a lab you won't ever touch or see the people you help. That's just not how our industry works. Clinical staff like nurses or rehab specialists do that. We don't even really say "hi" to patients on a regular basis.

Engineering is also an excellent way to help people. But we do it from a distance.

Bottom line is that you deserve to be happy. If its engineering and volunteering on your free time, great! If it's not, that's okay too.

[crankyoldman]

Well engineering is, by its nature, the opposite of people oriented. It's machine/system/product oriented, and it kind of has to be. From what I have seen out in the workforce at the several jobs I've had, the engineer is the person on the team with all the technical knowledge to tell the dreamers and thinkers that what they want can't work with [insert a condition or thing].

Like in my masters, as an HCI person, we remind them that people will be using whatever is being made and what sort of people it would be, and then maybe talk to the people and find out that what the engineer thinks they want is actually not what the engineer suggested making...

Service-work and engineering work rarely overlap, and when they do you have to be really really good at the engineering part. I frankly wasn't (I mean some of the engineering I was good at, but things like Thermo and aerodyamics and basically half of Aero was a mystery even as I graduated).

I will warn you that the school you're going to and the advisers are not the sorts to tell you to change direction when they see warning signs that you really don't want to do a thing. It's a problem with technical-oriented colleges; they just want to produce as much degrees as possible.

If helping other people makes you happy, makes you feel accomplished then you shouldn't ignore that. And if the rest of your classes just make you stressed out and unhappy? That's really not good. There's a normal level of it just being hard, yes, but that's... really not what is going on here.

I know you've mentioned non-profit work to me a couple of times, but you know there are many positions/job roles in that kind of situation. And maybe talking to people who do non-profit work and finding out what other roles there are can maybe help guide you to something that can go somewhere. You do not have to be The Engineer in a prosthetics non-profit. You could be ANY role.

I'm not telling you this because I doubt you can complete your degree. You probably can complete it at the rate you are going. Really, all it takes is stubbornness.

But do I think you would get a job you like, a life you like? No.

You should talk to some of the noglstp people about their friends who are not technically oriented and what they do. They usually have great networks because organizations that help marginalized groups on that campus tend not to just be filled with the technical kids.

It's not too late to change directions a bit. It's really never too late to do that, actually. But don't go blindly down a path because you "should" or simply because you have started it. Part of college isn't just getting a degree it is learning who you are as a grownup.

Take care of you, too, and not just other people, k?

[jynx_tsilevon]

I want to do research and design in the field of prosthetics, implants, and the like. I have weird ass dreams sometimes of doing research experiments on rats with grafted tendons on them, or with synthetic polymer tendons. I've seen it in the labs at the BME building, so I know I'm close to that somewhere.

I know that it's hard. I know I'm going to be miserable. And I know there's a chance I could leave school and hate it.

I haven't DONE anything BME related yet. I haven't, plain and simple. I've been in the same track as all the MEs at school and frankly, that sucks. Yes, BME is specialized ME. Yeah, I know. But the specialization is what draws me and I can't tell you if I don't like it or not without having DONE any of it.

I'm not ready to switch, I don't know enough to logically get out. Right now, the only reason I'd leave is because it's hard. That's not a good enough reason for me to leave.

Maybe that's a mistake. Maybe I should be somewhere else. I'm not doing this because it's what everyone has told me to do. Honestly, I've never had anyone tell me they think I can do this. Most people tell me to go be a teacher. I would be a terrible teacher.

Yes, I want to help people. I really do. But have you seen me with people? I'm bad at the hands on stuff.

I'll ask around, sure. But I'm not ready to quit yet. And look, yeah, I never thought of a plan B. I've been so focused on all of this. Because I wanted to do it. I still want to.

[crankyoldman]

We're not saying you can't do it! Really, let me re-empasize. YOU CAN DO IT.

However, I am seeing warning signs as to you maybe not being as focused as you could be. Like, I'm no expert but all the things you're saying you're interested in are so many varying directions that it essentially says "I like BME!"

Engineering involves specialization, you have to at least pick a direction. Maybe part of that means you need to research more on what those directions are, or talk to people more. Making informed decisions is part of navigating your degree.

But it is hard to help people and be totally hands-off with them and actually make a difference in their lives. At the very least you will need to learn to work with teammates who are dealing with patients or its just disembodied research that helps no one.

Like maybe you can talk to my sister? She does research with viruses. Yes, that is not EXACTLY prosthetics but she did get into a Purdue PhD program and can talk about some of the things she had to decide and navigate to get there. Especially when you are working on the fringes of research or on things that don't necessarily currently exist you have to extrapolate from other people's experiences to find guideposts.

Bottom line, we are trying to help, and sometimes you have to ask yourself questions. It's just really hard to see you being so anxious and freaking out when I know it will pass. It'll just require you to have to evaluate some things, is all.

[jynx_tsilevon]

I know. And I know I don't seem to have any direction or drive or enthusiasm. I'm still nervous because this is the first choice I made completely on my own. I didn't know you people yet. The only engineers I knew were white men who worked with cars and trucks. And my dad.

I don't want to become my dad, that's one clear direction I have.

I don't think I can say anything that proves I know what the fuck I'm doing, or why. I have pipe dreams that may or may not have anything to do with the work I'm doing now. I have anxiety and am not focused. I'm admitting that. I've done research in my field, I really have. But until I actually do any of it, I can't tell you if I'll like it or not. Seriously, I did BME research to stay awake in my 7:30 biology class.

I'm not sure why you had to justify talking to your sister. I'd love to talk to people about their experiences. I learn from other people, or try to.

I apologize for worrying you while I'm anxious and freaking out. I know my feelings yesterday had nothing to do with the fact that I was going back to Engineering, even though you seem to think they did. The more I think about yesterday, the less I understand my feelings. The moment you posted about school, the melancholy broke to self doubt.

Look, I'm going to be level with you, you (and Drakon, really), are the only two people who ever make me doubt what I'm doing. And I can never justify what I'm doing to you guys.

Thanks for the continual support. Sorry I can't show anything for it.

[crankyoldman]

You've got this.

[crankyoldman]

Oh and even though you are having harmful ideation and things like that, the fact you admit to them and also admit to needing to get help is great. You really have done a lot of work on yourself this summer (it may not feel like it, but how you respond to things and how you talk about yourself has changed drastically) and I know Drak and I (and Ardy) are quite proud of you for that.

Like, it's ok to stumble a bit. There's a lot of shadow monsters in our psyche. But you are confronting them, and that is really really good.