Want for Nothing
Jan. 2nd, 2013 08:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jynx_tsilevonI mentioned briefly in the other one that I want to move out. It's time I do. I know I need to. The farther away I get from my family, the more relaxed I get. But I'm not brave enough.
The icon up there says Warrior. It features a little girl who was brave. Who fought for what she believed in to the point of death, and came back from death and a harbinger of the Apocalypse. She's my role model and I don't care that she's a video game character.
I'm not a warrior. I have a stubborn streak but it comes out at the wrong time. I have the self confidence of a rock and still don't see myself quite right in mirrors.
All my life, I've always had everything I've wanted. When I was little I had all the toys I wanted, lived in a big house, played in a cul-de-saq with other kids. I went to a good school, got good grades, had a dog and a back yard.
My parents got divorced. That's not the fault of everything, but that is when everything changed. However I still didn't want for things. My mother, despite being in poverty, still got us things we didn't need and worked herself to heart problems. My dad spoiled us to get us to dislike our mom (and vise versa). My dad became cold, my mother bitter. My brother ran to California, my sister became a Princess and I became this.
I have never wanted for anything, and yet I want nothing more than to give it all up. Part of me screams and rages because I should be happy with what I have. However there's a part of me that listens to what my friends tell me all the time. And that part tells me I'm not selfish because it's no longer healthy to live where I live.
But I'm scared. I want so badly to get out of here, to go somewhere and start living. I'm an adult, goddamnit.
Yet I don't look like one. Or act like one. And god knows, in my family I sure as hell aren't treated like one.
But I'm scared.
I want my dad's help, so badly. I want him to support me being An Adult and let me move out and move around and do things but I want him to be proud of me. I don't want to be coddled, but I don't want to cut my strings from the puppeteer yet. I'm complacent being a wooden toy.
And yet...
I go twenty minutes away, sit in Drakonlily's basement, and plan all the wonderful ways I could find a job and an apartment and get a beater car and just live. I'd be dirt poor and that doesn't scare me. I'd probably go hungry at points because I'm a terrible cook, don't know how to budget, and can't plan ahead worth shit, but it'd be an adventure.
So why don't I?
Simply because I'm not brave. Whitemage and Drakon just say "Tell them goodbye and go." But I've spent my whole existence living to make a figment of imagination into a real person, living to make someone proud of me who already is and yet, also never will be.
I tell him my plans and he finds faults in them. So many faults that I cry and scream and hide in my room miserable and waiting in the darkness. He lapses and is wonderful and kind and I don't want to leave. He flips and I have to get out of here. He'd never actually hurt me. I know it. But it doesn't prevent me from flinching when he screams.
They tell me to just go. Leave, Jynx. They can't stop you. You're an Adult. They have to let you go.
Why can't I? I'd walk out the door and not look back. I would. I just can't get to the door.
The icon up there says Warrior. It features a little girl who was brave. Who fought for what she believed in to the point of death, and came back from death and a harbinger of the Apocalypse. She's my role model and I don't care that she's a video game character.
I'm not a warrior. I have a stubborn streak but it comes out at the wrong time. I have the self confidence of a rock and still don't see myself quite right in mirrors.
All my life, I've always had everything I've wanted. When I was little I had all the toys I wanted, lived in a big house, played in a cul-de-saq with other kids. I went to a good school, got good grades, had a dog and a back yard.
My parents got divorced. That's not the fault of everything, but that is when everything changed. However I still didn't want for things. My mother, despite being in poverty, still got us things we didn't need and worked herself to heart problems. My dad spoiled us to get us to dislike our mom (and vise versa). My dad became cold, my mother bitter. My brother ran to California, my sister became a Princess and I became this.
I have never wanted for anything, and yet I want nothing more than to give it all up. Part of me screams and rages because I should be happy with what I have. However there's a part of me that listens to what my friends tell me all the time. And that part tells me I'm not selfish because it's no longer healthy to live where I live.
But I'm scared. I want so badly to get out of here, to go somewhere and start living. I'm an adult, goddamnit.
Yet I don't look like one. Or act like one. And god knows, in my family I sure as hell aren't treated like one.
But I'm scared.
I want my dad's help, so badly. I want him to support me being An Adult and let me move out and move around and do things but I want him to be proud of me. I don't want to be coddled, but I don't want to cut my strings from the puppeteer yet. I'm complacent being a wooden toy.
And yet...
I go twenty minutes away, sit in Drakonlily's basement, and plan all the wonderful ways I could find a job and an apartment and get a beater car and just live. I'd be dirt poor and that doesn't scare me. I'd probably go hungry at points because I'm a terrible cook, don't know how to budget, and can't plan ahead worth shit, but it'd be an adventure.
So why don't I?
Simply because I'm not brave. Whitemage and Drakon just say "Tell them goodbye and go." But I've spent my whole existence living to make a figment of imagination into a real person, living to make someone proud of me who already is and yet, also never will be.
I tell him my plans and he finds faults in them. So many faults that I cry and scream and hide in my room miserable and waiting in the darkness. He lapses and is wonderful and kind and I don't want to leave. He flips and I have to get out of here. He'd never actually hurt me. I know it. But it doesn't prevent me from flinching when he screams.
They tell me to just go. Leave, Jynx. They can't stop you. You're an Adult. They have to let you go.
Why can't I? I'd walk out the door and not look back. I would. I just can't get to the door.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-03 09:29 pm (UTC)It does take bravery, but most importantly, it takes being able to set aside what other people want and put in the forefront what you want. I believe I've mentioned this before, and may sound like a broken record.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-03 10:01 pm (UTC)