Is this Weird?
Jan. 24th, 2013 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jynx_tsilevonPossible Triggers: Suicide
Not that I really know what normal is, but is it semi reasonable to think about death a lot?
To preface: yes I have done the suicide thing. I tried to jump off a building when I was 12 and then played in traffic when I was 16.
I haven't had the wish to kill myself since then. Let's start there shall we?
But it seems like the concept of dying comes up a lot in my thoughts. I don't find it disturbing, because it's just always there. In fact I'm kind of apathetic to the concept of my own death. It is inevitable, after all.
For example, a normal day can go on and seemingly mundane tasks spark the "what if I died right now" thought. Getting on an elevator, crossing the street, going to sleep..how I die doesn't seem to important.
A lot of it makes me wonder why I think life would be simpler for the people around me if I was dead. A statement that I know (hope?) is false. Although I assume after the initial hassle that would be getting rid of my body and divvying up what little I own, there wouldn't be much of a change in most people's lives.
I know whenever it happens, my funeral is going to be terrible. I apologize in advance to anyone who comes. Mysteriously be out of the country at the time. I won't be offended.
What disturbs me the most (and this might just be my low self worth issue), but the question "Where do you see yourself in five years." Mostly my answer to it. Since I can remember, my answer has always been "I'll be surprised if I'm alive" (alternatively, the "I don't expect to live to see 23" answer).
This surprises me because at this moment, I do not consciously have any goals in my life that will be met in under five years.some I foresee taking my entire life. And yet, I am also convinced that I will die at a relatively young age, despite being well cared for and having remarkably sound health.
Perhaps I have simply already given up. Which is probably a more disheartening thought than anything.
Not that I really know what normal is, but is it semi reasonable to think about death a lot?
To preface: yes I have done the suicide thing. I tried to jump off a building when I was 12 and then played in traffic when I was 16.
I haven't had the wish to kill myself since then. Let's start there shall we?
But it seems like the concept of dying comes up a lot in my thoughts. I don't find it disturbing, because it's just always there. In fact I'm kind of apathetic to the concept of my own death. It is inevitable, after all.
For example, a normal day can go on and seemingly mundane tasks spark the "what if I died right now" thought. Getting on an elevator, crossing the street, going to sleep..how I die doesn't seem to important.
A lot of it makes me wonder why I think life would be simpler for the people around me if I was dead. A statement that I know (hope?) is false. Although I assume after the initial hassle that would be getting rid of my body and divvying up what little I own, there wouldn't be much of a change in most people's lives.
I know whenever it happens, my funeral is going to be terrible. I apologize in advance to anyone who comes. Mysteriously be out of the country at the time. I won't be offended.
What disturbs me the most (and this might just be my low self worth issue), but the question "Where do you see yourself in five years." Mostly my answer to it. Since I can remember, my answer has always been "I'll be surprised if I'm alive" (alternatively, the "I don't expect to live to see 23" answer).
This surprises me because at this moment, I do not consciously have any goals in my life that will be met in under five years.some I foresee taking my entire life. And yet, I am also convinced that I will die at a relatively young age, despite being well cared for and having remarkably sound health.
Perhaps I have simply already given up. Which is probably a more disheartening thought than anything.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 05:16 am (UTC)Being at peace with death is a very different thing, one that takes being a well-adjusted person at your life. (Something I know you'r working on, but aren't there yet with).
I would say yes, a lot of people think about death from time to time. I know I fall into obsessing about death scenarios, and not, not from a terror point of view, but from recognizing the potentiality.
But that's different from being convinced you should or are going to die young. This is a dangerous pathology, and if this is how you feel in your heart of hearts, is something that needs to be brought up with a professional. While you may write it off as "just the way you are," your history of suicide and your unwillingness to take up your own space and be impactful in your life sets you at risk for lapsing in the future. And the fact you're bringing this up not just here, but in multiple conversations over the months means this is worrying some part of you.
One of my first reactions, too, when asked where I'll be in five years is "will I even be alive?" But for me, this comes from the fact I have a family history of poor health and aren't in great shape myself. It's easy to give in to morbidity and blow things out of proportion. It's easy to get down, get despondent, and despair.
If this is that close to you all the time, and is that much a part of your life, you need a coping mechanism. I won't just say "you need help to get rid of this," because you wouldn't be the only person I know who simply deals with cycles of suicidal ideation, but they all have coping strategies in place.
This is the worst counseling ever, but no, you don't want to die. You don't want to just give up. You are just in the throes of something that sucks. So I wouldn't say it's weird, but I would say it's something that needs looking at.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 05:29 am (UTC)I don't know, I read this post from you and it all makes sense and yet doesn't sit right. (But maybe you were right earlier too, about me getting my stubborn streak when it's least helpful._.)
I do want to correct you, though. I am not in the throes of something that sucks.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 11:47 am (UTC)You are dealing with establishing your gender identity.
You are dealing with a sister who is self-victimizing.
You are dealing with a friend who will not help herself.
You are dealing with a school program that is effing hard.
You are dealing with trying to establish yourself as an independent adult.
You are clearly not constantly enjoying those things. Those things at least sometimes suck. And even if you didn't have those things to set it off, being convinced you're going to die soon is not a happy thing--to argue otherwise is pretty insulting to what most terminally ill and some mentally ill people go through on a daily basis, at the very least.
If professionals in the past scared you about all the ways you think about death, then maybe you need to both: A. Re-evaluate what they were saying to begin with and then B. If they treated death as something scary that no one could come to terms with, start over with new professionals.
I have come to terms with death, both from all the losses I've experienced, and from my own brushes with it. If by fortune I die today or tomorrow or any time in the future, or if I find out that I will die, then yeah, if I have consciousness, I will feel sad. I would go through the stages of grief. But it would be what it is and that's that.
What you are doing, the obsessing and the convincing yourself that you will die when there is no evidence of such is NOT acceptance of death. It is a death wish. Like I said, it points to you turning suicidal again. When I start to feel that way, like I did post-partum, I sort things out. Whether with a professional, or friends, or working it out in my own head. But I get help. Because accepting death isn't the same as wanting to die.
You want this to not sit right because although it concerns you enough to mention, you also don't want to let go of it right now for whatever reason. So you're struggling with it, even if you won't admit it to yourself.
The thing about truly living close to death--even accepting it--is you feel grateful for every day, even the bad days where you kind of want to die or stop caring. You feel inspired to go out and actually live, to take chances and do things you wouldn't normally because you realize how precious life is, and that it together with death is such a gift we have to put meaning to our existence. Yes, you can give up. Yes, you can have times you mope--but those are not part of living close to death, that's depression. It is a problem. And even people who are actually on their deathbed seek help in dealing with that, in being able to find actual peace before they go.
I would almost apologize to you on being stubborn and forceful about this, but death is actually something extremely important to me as a subject and event and a part of my life. It's very close to me, and has quite a slice of my culture with its meanings and this is why I'm talking to you. Because I'm not saying "it's not okay to be fine with death!" I am saying if that's your aim, you're doing it wrong.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 02:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 05:28 pm (UTC)It's positive if you're thinking "well I could die today, so I'd better live it up!" but yeah that doesn't sound positive.
I will however say that you are still on the whole a lot better this semester. Unfortunately like all things its a process and getting past one goalpost is just that. And even when you are "better" you will have relapses. The difference is as you get better those relapses will be less destructive and you'll have the tools, methods, and people to get over them.
So yeah.