Is this Weird?
Jan. 24th, 2013 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jynx_tsilevonPossible Triggers: Suicide
Not that I really know what normal is, but is it semi reasonable to think about death a lot?
To preface: yes I have done the suicide thing. I tried to jump off a building when I was 12 and then played in traffic when I was 16.
I haven't had the wish to kill myself since then. Let's start there shall we?
But it seems like the concept of dying comes up a lot in my thoughts. I don't find it disturbing, because it's just always there. In fact I'm kind of apathetic to the concept of my own death. It is inevitable, after all.
For example, a normal day can go on and seemingly mundane tasks spark the "what if I died right now" thought. Getting on an elevator, crossing the street, going to sleep..how I die doesn't seem to important.
A lot of it makes me wonder why I think life would be simpler for the people around me if I was dead. A statement that I know (hope?) is false. Although I assume after the initial hassle that would be getting rid of my body and divvying up what little I own, there wouldn't be much of a change in most people's lives.
I know whenever it happens, my funeral is going to be terrible. I apologize in advance to anyone who comes. Mysteriously be out of the country at the time. I won't be offended.
What disturbs me the most (and this might just be my low self worth issue), but the question "Where do you see yourself in five years." Mostly my answer to it. Since I can remember, my answer has always been "I'll be surprised if I'm alive" (alternatively, the "I don't expect to live to see 23" answer).
This surprises me because at this moment, I do not consciously have any goals in my life that will be met in under five years.some I foresee taking my entire life. And yet, I am also convinced that I will die at a relatively young age, despite being well cared for and having remarkably sound health.
Perhaps I have simply already given up. Which is probably a more disheartening thought than anything.
Not that I really know what normal is, but is it semi reasonable to think about death a lot?
To preface: yes I have done the suicide thing. I tried to jump off a building when I was 12 and then played in traffic when I was 16.
I haven't had the wish to kill myself since then. Let's start there shall we?
But it seems like the concept of dying comes up a lot in my thoughts. I don't find it disturbing, because it's just always there. In fact I'm kind of apathetic to the concept of my own death. It is inevitable, after all.
For example, a normal day can go on and seemingly mundane tasks spark the "what if I died right now" thought. Getting on an elevator, crossing the street, going to sleep..how I die doesn't seem to important.
A lot of it makes me wonder why I think life would be simpler for the people around me if I was dead. A statement that I know (hope?) is false. Although I assume after the initial hassle that would be getting rid of my body and divvying up what little I own, there wouldn't be much of a change in most people's lives.
I know whenever it happens, my funeral is going to be terrible. I apologize in advance to anyone who comes. Mysteriously be out of the country at the time. I won't be offended.
What disturbs me the most (and this might just be my low self worth issue), but the question "Where do you see yourself in five years." Mostly my answer to it. Since I can remember, my answer has always been "I'll be surprised if I'm alive" (alternatively, the "I don't expect to live to see 23" answer).
This surprises me because at this moment, I do not consciously have any goals in my life that will be met in under five years.some I foresee taking my entire life. And yet, I am also convinced that I will die at a relatively young age, despite being well cared for and having remarkably sound health.
Perhaps I have simply already given up. Which is probably a more disheartening thought than anything.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 02:25 pm (UTC)