The Melancholy

[jynx_tsilevon]

Trigger warnings for the usual


I have no logical reason to feel like shit and I'm writing about it because it makes me feel a bit better than just rolling around on the floor sobbing.

Feel free to stop there and get on to more important things.

I feel like shit and partially want to go play in traffic (although I hesitate to say that because then everyone freaks out and no I'm not doing anything stupid, just visualizing it), want to vanish and be somewhere better, except here IS better, or should be better, want to jump up and down and be noticed but NO that'd be hell I want everyone to ignore me and would really really REALLY like for my head to stop offending my friends, thanks.

Also a tiny bit of self importance and worth would be great. And not in the narcissistic way I already have.

Also it would be REALLY nice if I didn't require someone to tell me "It's fine, Jynx. You're fine..." because that's not other people's jobs.

It took me 3 hours to even want to eat dinner. It's going to take me another hour to make it...maybe.
I tried to go play out in the gorgeous day but have instead spent whatever time I wasn't at work or in the Laundrymat hiding under blankets in the house.
I started crying in the Laundrymat.

And then there was work. Technically work happened first. I opened this morning.

I was fine for about an hour of work. Then, for whatever reason, when I was sent into the freezer to get something, I just decided it'd be a great idea to stay in there the rest of the shift.

Obviously I didn't, my coworker asked what I was doing and that snapped me out of it.
Well sorta...

I spent the rest of my shift like a zombie. My manager asked if I had gotten enough sleep (lol), and then tried to talk to me about fandoms, and stuff I enjoy (including pulling up pictures of cats on his phone) to try to cheer me up.

He about sent me home early...but instead told me to close my drawer and had me do module stuff on the computer, away from the customers and hidden in a corner.

So, to add to the fact that I feel like complete shit, I fucked up at work! Yes! I am so fucking angry at myself. I know I won't get fired or whatever, but this is unacceptable behavior from me!

Look, when I get in bad moods, or funks, or life sucks or whatever the fuck this is, it DOESN'T affect other people. I am a little off, but otherwise can hide it.

There's no acceptable, logical reason for me to feel like this.

Yes, I'm going back to counseling. I called yesterday to set up an appointment. I can afford rent and school and food, at least for this semester, without loans. I am moving back to an apartment with friends close enough to be family. I am privileged enough to be going to one of the top Engineering schools in the nation, for my fifth semester.

What. the. fuck. brain!?! Get over yourself!

Comments

[crankyoldman]

Well engineering is, by its nature, the opposite of people oriented. It's machine/system/product oriented, and it kind of has to be. From what I have seen out in the workforce at the several jobs I've had, the engineer is the person on the team with all the technical knowledge to tell the dreamers and thinkers that what they want can't work with [insert a condition or thing].

Like in my masters, as an HCI person, we remind them that people will be using whatever is being made and what sort of people it would be, and then maybe talk to the people and find out that what the engineer thinks they want is actually not what the engineer suggested making...

Service-work and engineering work rarely overlap, and when they do you have to be really really good at the engineering part. I frankly wasn't (I mean some of the engineering I was good at, but things like Thermo and aerodyamics and basically half of Aero was a mystery even as I graduated).

I will warn you that the school you're going to and the advisers are not the sorts to tell you to change direction when they see warning signs that you really don't want to do a thing. It's a problem with technical-oriented colleges; they just want to produce as much degrees as possible.

If helping other people makes you happy, makes you feel accomplished then you shouldn't ignore that. And if the rest of your classes just make you stressed out and unhappy? That's really not good. There's a normal level of it just being hard, yes, but that's... really not what is going on here.

I know you've mentioned non-profit work to me a couple of times, but you know there are many positions/job roles in that kind of situation. And maybe talking to people who do non-profit work and finding out what other roles there are can maybe help guide you to something that can go somewhere. You do not have to be The Engineer in a prosthetics non-profit. You could be ANY role.

I'm not telling you this because I doubt you can complete your degree. You probably can complete it at the rate you are going. Really, all it takes is stubbornness.

But do I think you would get a job you like, a life you like? No.

You should talk to some of the noglstp people about their friends who are not technically oriented and what they do. They usually have great networks because organizations that help marginalized groups on that campus tend not to just be filled with the technical kids.

It's not too late to change directions a bit. It's really never too late to do that, actually. But don't go blindly down a path because you "should" or simply because you have started it. Part of college isn't just getting a degree it is learning who you are as a grownup.

Take care of you, too, and not just other people, k?

[jynx_tsilevon]

I want to do research and design in the field of prosthetics, implants, and the like. I have weird ass dreams sometimes of doing research experiments on rats with grafted tendons on them, or with synthetic polymer tendons. I've seen it in the labs at the BME building, so I know I'm close to that somewhere.

I know that it's hard. I know I'm going to be miserable. And I know there's a chance I could leave school and hate it.

I haven't DONE anything BME related yet. I haven't, plain and simple. I've been in the same track as all the MEs at school and frankly, that sucks. Yes, BME is specialized ME. Yeah, I know. But the specialization is what draws me and I can't tell you if I don't like it or not without having DONE any of it.

I'm not ready to switch, I don't know enough to logically get out. Right now, the only reason I'd leave is because it's hard. That's not a good enough reason for me to leave.

Maybe that's a mistake. Maybe I should be somewhere else. I'm not doing this because it's what everyone has told me to do. Honestly, I've never had anyone tell me they think I can do this. Most people tell me to go be a teacher. I would be a terrible teacher.

Yes, I want to help people. I really do. But have you seen me with people? I'm bad at the hands on stuff.

I'll ask around, sure. But I'm not ready to quit yet. And look, yeah, I never thought of a plan B. I've been so focused on all of this. Because I wanted to do it. I still want to.

[crankyoldman]

We're not saying you can't do it! Really, let me re-empasize. YOU CAN DO IT.

However, I am seeing warning signs as to you maybe not being as focused as you could be. Like, I'm no expert but all the things you're saying you're interested in are so many varying directions that it essentially says "I like BME!"

Engineering involves specialization, you have to at least pick a direction. Maybe part of that means you need to research more on what those directions are, or talk to people more. Making informed decisions is part of navigating your degree.

But it is hard to help people and be totally hands-off with them and actually make a difference in their lives. At the very least you will need to learn to work with teammates who are dealing with patients or its just disembodied research that helps no one.

Like maybe you can talk to my sister? She does research with viruses. Yes, that is not EXACTLY prosthetics but she did get into a Purdue PhD program and can talk about some of the things she had to decide and navigate to get there. Especially when you are working on the fringes of research or on things that don't necessarily currently exist you have to extrapolate from other people's experiences to find guideposts.

Bottom line, we are trying to help, and sometimes you have to ask yourself questions. It's just really hard to see you being so anxious and freaking out when I know it will pass. It'll just require you to have to evaluate some things, is all.

[jynx_tsilevon]

I know. And I know I don't seem to have any direction or drive or enthusiasm. I'm still nervous because this is the first choice I made completely on my own. I didn't know you people yet. The only engineers I knew were white men who worked with cars and trucks. And my dad.

I don't want to become my dad, that's one clear direction I have.

I don't think I can say anything that proves I know what the fuck I'm doing, or why. I have pipe dreams that may or may not have anything to do with the work I'm doing now. I have anxiety and am not focused. I'm admitting that. I've done research in my field, I really have. But until I actually do any of it, I can't tell you if I'll like it or not. Seriously, I did BME research to stay awake in my 7:30 biology class.

I'm not sure why you had to justify talking to your sister. I'd love to talk to people about their experiences. I learn from other people, or try to.

I apologize for worrying you while I'm anxious and freaking out. I know my feelings yesterday had nothing to do with the fact that I was going back to Engineering, even though you seem to think they did. The more I think about yesterday, the less I understand my feelings. The moment you posted about school, the melancholy broke to self doubt.

Look, I'm going to be level with you, you (and Drakon, really), are the only two people who ever make me doubt what I'm doing. And I can never justify what I'm doing to you guys.

Thanks for the continual support. Sorry I can't show anything for it.

[crankyoldman]

You've got this.