Lest we be discouraged
Sep. 18th, 2012 10:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jynx_tsilevonI am increasingly paranoid that I'm going to get through this with nothing to show for it.
I am trying to be content with simply surviving college with my head still on my shoulders, but it's impossible for me to do so.
In the last three weeks, I have done 12 or so applications for various things, ranging from internships to activities for purely my own enjoyment.
In the last three weeks, I've also heard nothing but rejections for all of these, including the most recent one this morning. There comes a point in time where you just want /one/ thing to go right so you can wear it with a badge of pride.
It should come to no surprise to anyone that I like to be involved. I like to do things, to help people, to be impressive. Overall, I can do all that but the last. I am obviously not very impressive at all, if I am basing things off of application and locked opportunities.
Before you jump me and start waving the "let's boost her self confidence" flags, just hear me out. Sure it would help if I could find little things to be proud of, I know. But some times making it to Friday every week simply isn't enough when the people around you are getting scholarships, jobs, awesome activities (why didn't I try out for the Rube Golberg team again Q_Q), and having fun all at once.
And I'm sitting here working on homework and struggling to figure out how to tell my parents I'm not coming home for fall break, Thanksgiving, spring break, or the summer.
I wouldn't be worried if I wasn't so dead set on starting over and making something of myself. I've always been labeled as "the smart one" in my family, something that in the long run has been detrimental not only to me but to my twin sister as well. No one talks about her accomplishments, and they are many, and everyone talks about mine, which there are none.
(In three semesters alone, my sister has made the Psychology Honors Society (as a freshman, one of five I think), begun taking classes with Juniors and Seniors because of her intelligence, made it into a Psychology Lab (reserved for only juniors and seniors, and she's a sophomore) with the founder of Social Behavioral Psychology (I think it was), and is taking a 19 credit hour load. She does all of this, still gets her homework done and gets 8 hours of sleep at least each night. If those aren't some accomplishments, I don't know what could qualify).
Exam season is fast approaching so I know my self esteem is going to plummet even more. I may the joke with my roommates and friends that failing is just a "Welcome to Engineering" idiom, but they all really seem to be doing fine regardless. I'm the one sitting here with failed math quizzes and a biology exam that was over who the fuck even knows. They have jobs and co-ops and talk about King's Island Trips and watching movies, find time to play volleyball (which shouldn't bother me, I hate the sport...), don't snap at each other, and have supportive families. I have a job, sure, but if I don't get an internship I won't be able to pay rent. I'm in a semi-important position in one organization but I think I'm doing a terrible job at it, although everyone is far too nice to tell me otherwise.
To get into grad school, you're required to have at least two semesters of lab work, so I'm applying for that now. But all I have right now is a GPA that's subpar and sleep deprivation written on my face. I'm considering dropping a required class for my major (don't even get me started on how fucked up I've made my plan of study simply because I didn't want to take the courseload...and even simplified I still suck at it).
In the end, I'm sure all I'll be able to show to anyone is that I made it through Sophomore year of college. I won't have an internship or a well paying job (I keep having nightmares that I'm going to get a call from Kroger telling me that I can't be "on leave" anymore and will have lost my job there), I won't have done anything spectacular, and everything I want to do for fun either costs money I don't have, is with clubs I don't have time for, or has something else (lack of time most likely) barring me from participating.
I should be proud of just being here. Of what I've done, and how I've done it. I know I'm supposed to learn from rejection, supposed to improve myself and dust off the depression of constantly hearing "There were many qualified applicants. You just didn't make the cut," over and over again.
But just once I'd like to hear "Congratulations, you /are/ the one we're looking for."
I am trying to be content with simply surviving college with my head still on my shoulders, but it's impossible for me to do so.
In the last three weeks, I have done 12 or so applications for various things, ranging from internships to activities for purely my own enjoyment.
In the last three weeks, I've also heard nothing but rejections for all of these, including the most recent one this morning. There comes a point in time where you just want /one/ thing to go right so you can wear it with a badge of pride.
It should come to no surprise to anyone that I like to be involved. I like to do things, to help people, to be impressive. Overall, I can do all that but the last. I am obviously not very impressive at all, if I am basing things off of application and locked opportunities.
Before you jump me and start waving the "let's boost her self confidence" flags, just hear me out. Sure it would help if I could find little things to be proud of, I know. But some times making it to Friday every week simply isn't enough when the people around you are getting scholarships, jobs, awesome activities (why didn't I try out for the Rube Golberg team again Q_Q), and having fun all at once.
And I'm sitting here working on homework and struggling to figure out how to tell my parents I'm not coming home for fall break, Thanksgiving, spring break, or the summer.
I wouldn't be worried if I wasn't so dead set on starting over and making something of myself. I've always been labeled as "the smart one" in my family, something that in the long run has been detrimental not only to me but to my twin sister as well. No one talks about her accomplishments, and they are many, and everyone talks about mine, which there are none.
(In three semesters alone, my sister has made the Psychology Honors Society (as a freshman, one of five I think), begun taking classes with Juniors and Seniors because of her intelligence, made it into a Psychology Lab (reserved for only juniors and seniors, and she's a sophomore) with the founder of Social Behavioral Psychology (I think it was), and is taking a 19 credit hour load. She does all of this, still gets her homework done and gets 8 hours of sleep at least each night. If those aren't some accomplishments, I don't know what could qualify).
Exam season is fast approaching so I know my self esteem is going to plummet even more. I may the joke with my roommates and friends that failing is just a "Welcome to Engineering" idiom, but they all really seem to be doing fine regardless. I'm the one sitting here with failed math quizzes and a biology exam that was over who the fuck even knows. They have jobs and co-ops and talk about King's Island Trips and watching movies, find time to play volleyball (which shouldn't bother me, I hate the sport...), don't snap at each other, and have supportive families. I have a job, sure, but if I don't get an internship I won't be able to pay rent. I'm in a semi-important position in one organization but I think I'm doing a terrible job at it, although everyone is far too nice to tell me otherwise.
To get into grad school, you're required to have at least two semesters of lab work, so I'm applying for that now. But all I have right now is a GPA that's subpar and sleep deprivation written on my face. I'm considering dropping a required class for my major (don't even get me started on how fucked up I've made my plan of study simply because I didn't want to take the courseload...and even simplified I still suck at it).
In the end, I'm sure all I'll be able to show to anyone is that I made it through Sophomore year of college. I won't have an internship or a well paying job (I keep having nightmares that I'm going to get a call from Kroger telling me that I can't be "on leave" anymore and will have lost my job there), I won't have done anything spectacular, and everything I want to do for fun either costs money I don't have, is with clubs I don't have time for, or has something else (lack of time most likely) barring me from participating.
I should be proud of just being here. Of what I've done, and how I've done it. I know I'm supposed to learn from rejection, supposed to improve myself and dust off the depression of constantly hearing "There were many qualified applicants. You just didn't make the cut," over and over again.
But just once I'd like to hear "Congratulations, you /are/ the one we're looking for."
no subject
Date: 2012-09-18 09:17 pm (UTC)I did sail through my associate's degree at a jc. But then I hit the uni and biochem and it's all I can do just to make it through a day sometimes. And it's awful when they sit there and make it sound like if you don't have perfect grades and a stunning string of high profile research internships, you'll never make it as anything.
Please trust me when I say making it through really is an accomplishment. There are a lot of people who can't do even that.
And it really sucks when everyone around you seems to be doing better---grades and jobs and just general fun. It's nigh on painful, and it inspires a jealousy in you that makes you hate yourself and your situation a little more.
*hugs*
You will get it all together. Things will fall in to place. The universe is just holding out for something even better for you.
But if you feel like telling it to fuck itself over it, go ahead. No one expects you to be happy and just shake off the stuff that bites. We just expect you to keep going, because we know you're capable.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-20 05:02 am (UTC)You do it at your pace, hon. That's really all that matters.